Does this scream 909?

Does this scream 909?

When people act like barbie vomiting in a toilet, A.K.A. acting 909 (A super class part of So-Cal….) “Hey man let’s go fupa hunting in my lifed truck bro, did you see my new nautical stars?” Yup

 

Just some things that have been said OVER the years or experienced the lovely 909

 

“I feel like I’m gonna blow chunks like a bulimic after Christmas dinner…….Pepto bismol =no results ’cause pepto makes you worse……..it’s like a 909 root beer…hella tps (trailer park style)”-Me

My old trailer trash friend who’s a hooker

let’s call her Britt Britt, seems a bit FRESNO but it’ll do

Britt Britt: Dude Chad has a GF, Oh EM GEE….Loook at her facebook

*I look and say-” Well she’s a merchandising specialist in the 909, that’s some potential…Good for her.”

Britt Britt—-You gotta realize there’s more important things than stalking a dude named Chad with a hideous GF with saggy tits on Fbook..Who’s an alcoholic….

 

Oh the dating sight Skitzo. Britt Britt  convinces me to drive to Fontana and go to a trailer park… (I was in the dark I smell the Mid-West… I know we’re not all dumb…So I leave Britt Britt go have some hot alcoholic sex that I knwo he won’t remember, hence I didn’t need to shave for this..and then pick up Britt Britt and tell her she smells like a rotting fish truck. Britt Britt starts to cry and I just puton the Russian grin and drive.

The next day Britt Britt wants to meet up with someone FANTASTIC of this dating sight. He’s 6’1″ and is morbidly obese, in a wheelchair, doesn’t drive (Venutrda County) and wants to “kick it” meaning, I’m just gonna do you in the butt and say peace. At this point I was tired and upset with MY life and just messaged the guy back on her account..POLITELY responding to his “I just got NETFLIX, cum over we can kik it and watch movies yo.” So I just said, “I have a date with my electric toothbrush and I bet all’s you do is say home and jerk it to eat pray and love.” Britt Britt was upset…. 😦

After dealing with ym ginger BF of 1 month who just couldn’t calm down I called Britt Britt and she of course wanted to go to mickey dee’s……I hate the place, but that’s okay. I was driving and just so mad I thought I could take on this McDonalds transvestitie mexican man….He messed up my order and I just lost it. SCREAMED. “YOU MCFUCKED UP” while screaming I’m grabbing the Trannie out of the window, or trying to…. Somehow I though that would fix my issue….Thank GOD for my ex ginger BF and Mel Ipstein.

My favorite excuse for turning people down now is–“sorry i have a date with lifetime tonight” Men don’t know that you just sit on the couch texting other dudes, diddling your skittle and watching Meredith Baxter Birney get beat up every 5 minutes..Or Nancy McKeon getting stabbed by her “ex” alcoholic ex-husband…RESTRAINING orders don’t work, and stop moving to Oklahoma. 

Back in the 909 I twisted my ankle and texted my ex-loser of a friend who sat on the couch for 3 days playing gears of warcraft..I wonder if she pulled the diaper thing….It read  “just rode the cripple shopping cart around at Ralph’s. It ran out of gas in the milk aisle. I hope my future employers don’t read this and TOTALLY JUDGE ME FOR IT.” -WELL it’s cool my future employer later that year was a man who worked with SPECIAL ADULTS. Perfect.

 

Oh and my smart manic friend, I miss her. Let’s call her, VALENTINA. She’d dig it if she read it. One night I drank one too many shots and abused facebook and wrote: i love getting drunk in skeazy bowling alleys and spewing red white and blue on guys named Chad with popped collars.

Her immediate response was, Mandi you need a xanax.

 

The wonderful world of facebook gets people so WORKED up. I love writing things I find to be “hilarious” yet I know they insult people and make me appear to be on acid….SOOOOOO, my friend, let’s call her Marvin she posted: “I’m just an ex con trying to go straight?”

My answer: well is that sooo…i’m a stupid bitch who drives a minivan with “special” kids in the car while drinking wine out of a sippy cup listening to the beegees greatest hits while my husband…..who everyone hates sits at home wear…ing pedal pushers and a wife beater ’cause he’s kinda gay and he’s drinking beer and yelling at me for more hamburger helper that i didn’t cook in the first place so it was definitely some “ethnic” he was trying to fuck but limp dick syndrome took over and she left…..that scenario is like riding in cars with boys but instead it’s making poor descisions while riding a boy in the back of a truck……. (I get manic)

 

When you try to relive the 80’s and lie to someone about being in a “professional branch” you’re not even remotely close to and you’re manic and NOT taking your bi-polar meds, a little something like this comes out and only VALENTINA would getit because she’s just so manic ’round me.

“My nose is just not keeping up with my lifestyle. I need it upgraded to skijump immediately. Oh and I have news about a certain starbucks freak and I got laid off from my parole officer job in the 909…I’m very depressed. I don’t know how me and my fake family are going to make payments on our minivan and fontana trailer home…my son will be so upset he’s not getting a barney and a  Gavin Degraw cd for his birthday. Oh shit, I should have just had the A word….” Ya we go there…to top it off we had to bring up the man who works at our gym… “oh and …….I’m so sad secret window man probably got fired for freaking out on someone who was morbidly obese. ‘love you’re just not losing weight…you’re breaking alll the rules..you’re a disgrace…the sweeheart of a deal is off the table ’cause you ate it love.’ Ha, really? Being 19 and sober and a loon was kind of fulfilling compared to this dull life”

AND FAMILY MATTERS, regaurdless where you live..

“When people say they’re happily married its like what are you going to say, “No my husbands cheating on me with the stanky babysitter and im fucking the pool guy in our minivan that i keep trying to get my LOVELY husband to sell after he fucked my sisters handicapped personal trainer in the backseat?”

 

That’s all for today.
So i’m going to go shower and if i’m not out in 3 days please tell chad i was his beautiful psycho LAWLZ

i’m sorry i could not make it to the beach i’d rather drink my wine and eat my subway inside with no sun….

so you me and NIK should go on jerry spring and he’d be all like “that’s not my son, son.” and i’d be like “fool..it’s you’re son.” and he’d be like “no son, thats not my son…son….”

oh shit they added jeff goldblum to law and order….no

 

 

When people say they’re happily married its like what are you going to say, “No my husbands cheating on me with the stanky babysitter and im fucking the pool guy in our minivan that i keep trying to get my LOVELY husband to sell after he fucked my sisters handicapped personal trainer in the backseat?”

Amandah Hope

 

 

 

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